A taxonomy of tech haters

Haters, when it comes to common sense you ain't showed it

—Luniz, Playa Hata

There exist many categorizations and taxonomies of trolls and haters. However, the same treatment hasn't been given to the tech hater. The tech hater is particularly insidious because of their use of seemingly objective information. The tech hater is just another hurdle that a new startup founder has to jump over. On discussion forums, the tech hater is responsible for a chilling effect on discourse.

The purpose of this taxonomy is to illustrate the archetypes tech haters fall into.

With this understanding, my hope is to combat the chilling effect and encourage people to gloss over the tech hater.

  • "I can build that in one afternoon" hater

    Favorite targets of this hater include Instagram, Dropbox, and WhatsApp. They'll hate on any piece of technology they can whip out in a afternoon and chastise all the sheeple going to an inferior solution. Will conveniently overlook the community and momentum behind said targets.

  • "That offends my sensibilities" hater

    One day, someone decided that Java offended their sensibilities. It deserves to be hated on because no IDE is sufficient; since its brace placement is atrocious; the class naming conventions are a caricature of themselves. This hater is the seed for an agenda that gets pushed by other haters.

  • Lemming hater

    Someone somewhere said they hated Comic Sans. After hearing this repeatedly and persistently others too eventually started hating on Comic Sans. Doesn't really know why they hate Comic Sans, but they do. MongoDB, NodeJS, and Redis have met a similar fate. What may have started around a kernel of truth morphs into the absurd.

  • "Re-invent the wheel" hater

    This hater will hate anything created with an abstraction that is too high on the food chain for their tastes. After all, what ever it is you've created can be easily recreated by chaining together a complex litany of lower-level abstractions. asic > fpga > asm > c > awk > perl > bash > python > vb gui > excel. Due to a compounding effect, the higher up the abstraction, the more haters. If it can't be done using an elaborate sequence of piping together 27 commands, it doesn't deserve to be done.

  • "Not invented here" hater

    At a 24 hour hardware hackathon, will spend 23 hours writing a better rendering pipeline for a console based web browser. Hates on any service not written in house. Would never use anything like AWS or someone else's DNS daemon. It's too just too much of an unknown quantity to use someone else's code or service. Don't mention that they're using someone else's operating system—the cognitive dissonance will cause them to visibly shake.

  • Neo-luddite hater

    Fundamentally opposed to anything new. They will hate on anything simply based on its newness. Nascent technologies don't have a chance. Will continually lament about it being too new to use for anything. Will complain about its lack of maturity being not appropriate for anything at all: toys, side project, and production are all off-limits.

  • Distributed hater

    Not actually one individual but a union of haters. Can be a multiplicity of any other hater type. A favorite target is the sign-on mechanism of a newly launched startup: Why don't you have Twitter login? What about normal password login? LinkedIn? No OpenId? Dealbreaker! All of the above? None of the above? Why are they being burdened with signing in at all!? Individual haters coalesce into a blob of haters.

  • "Arm chair" hater

    Sits on sidelines hating on everything because they can do it better. They'll do it right—the correct and proper way. Will hate on any reasoning behind technical decisions that have built up the tech. Will give a detailed description of how eventually it'll be replaced by an open source project. Typical targets include startups meandering through the trough of sorrow.

  • Truculent hater

    Purposefully and intentionally misinterprets, misrepresents, and misunderstands tech just to hate on it. A spigot of negativity that'll never ebb. Hates everything related to the tech solely to reconfirm existing biases. Favorite targets include Facebook and Google.

Further Reading

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